life as i know it.

****BE FOREWARNED: THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE A DOWN & DIRTY POST, BUT SOME OF YOU HAVE ASKED.....SO I BASICALLY JUST SPILLED MY GUTS! IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END, YOU'RE MY HERO!****

a few of you may have noticed {and have told me so} that i have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus.

hmmm. yes.

it wasn't intentional. i promise.

it just sort of....well....it just sort of happened.

i used to love blogging. i used to love telling about our messy and crazy and beautiful life.

it may just be that it's gotten more messy and crazy than beautiful & when i do find a moment to myself {ahem... there are few} that i literally fall down with my 5th, 6th or 7th cup of coffee for the day and act like a vegetable in front of the television.

ha. can you relate?

no energy. none. no passion for anything. none.

it turns out that my motto of slowing down & enjoying the holidays each & every moment of them has turned into not speeding back up. at. all.

to be quite honest... it's turned into some awful sort of boredom coupled with an ungodly attitude of apathy.

if you're a woman {99.9% of those reading this} then you know that sometimes we can go through what the hubbs likes to call a "funk". i'm not even talking about that certain visitor that comes once a month for a day or two here or there. i'm talking about the kind that comes  - perhaps once a year, or once every two years, or perhaps even once in your lifetime - when you question what you're doing in this life. where you're going. who you're glorifying. how you're treating those around you. how you're being perceived. how you spend your time. how you organize your home. how you KEEP your home. and on and on and on...... well. i'm there.

so...... i haven't blogged.
 
i really don't want to paint a picture that we have it all together. even by saying i don't have it together i don't want to appear that i want you to feel sorry for me for not having it together.... and on and on.

i haven't been able to put my finger on where my 'funk' is going.

at first i thought that i was just tired. {because of the newborn, right?} but then she started to sleep 8+ hours at night. so i lost that excuse. and then i thought it was that i haven't been able to find a routine. sometimes i cannot even get myself to the grocery store except to buy diapers & milk. {and maybe a candy bar}.  but i'm kind of in a forced routine now anyway so i've decided that's not it.

but then. i forced myself to go to our first bible study on wednesday. i normally LOVE bible study & here i was going back to the group i'd taken a semester off from and i was so excited. but come wednesday morning, i literally had to drag myself there.

and i'm so glad i did.

we went around our table and we were asked to say one thing that we were really excited about this year. a goal or a season, etc. remember - these are all some of my dearest friends. and so they went. 

some are training for a race. some are taking continuing ed class. one sweet girl is going through the process of adoption {while already having 3 of her own!}. when they got to me i simply blurted out: 


"right now, i'm just trying to make it through the day."


wow. it brings tears to my eyes even now as i write it down.


i wanted to scream after i said it "i don't want to live life this way!" and more than that i really don't want to teach my kids to live life this way!!!! seriously! it makes me so mad AT MYSELF when a day comes and goes and there is absolutely nothing to show for it. ugh. ugh. and more ugh.


so.... as i was chewing on that thought, our women's minister came and spoke. 


she's amazing. if you haven't ever heard her, she'll having you rolling on the ground crying from laughing so hard and then the next second she'll "land the plane" and have tears rolling down your face from a heavy heart of conviction from the Holy Spirit Himself. wow. love.her.


anyway..... {as this post gets longer & longer....} to loosely quote her, she said: "as a wife & a mom, we spend the bulk of our time doing things that only GOD will appreciate or even notice."

wow. what.a.blow.

can i get an "amen!"??

so the thought occured to me. who am i living my life for? for earthly praise or for eternal praise? to glorify myself & even my family or to glorify GOD ALMIGHTY?

where am i finding JOY? remember... God never promises happiness, although i don't think He wants us to be UNhappy. maybe just a bit uncomfortable. for a season. maybe even a LONG season. {which this is turning out to be longer than i thought or wanted it to be....}

so. the moral of the story? i. am. here. WITHOU all the answers. we are alive & everyone is healthy. i'm very thankful, although it might not seem like it after all of that wordiness. i've been taking pictures here & there of our journey the past few weeks but not as many as i'd like. PLUS i have to clean off my computer before i can even attempt to load them. so. this is it.

if i may, let me end with this.

yes, i'm not in a season in my mind that i like right now... i have no idea why or how i even got here. i can't just 'snap out of it', nor do i think the LORD wants us to just mask over our seasons like this and move on... because in this season, i need HIM all the more. and i think that's the point, isn't it? if we were comfortable all.the.time then we wouldn't need Him. yearn for Him. cry out to Him.

so, as i continue on and accept this 'wilderness' as it is and try to learn from it instead of fight against, i will cling to His words.

"summing it all up, friends, i'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious --- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.  put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. do that, and GOD, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." philippians 4:8-9, the message

***i promise a fun post. almost immediately. so please stay tuned. i'm not always debbie downer right now!***