friday.

today. has been a good day.

i feel full - anticipating a weekend spent with family.

thankful for progress this week. extremely grateful.

i drank what seems like a gallon of chamomille tea last night before going to bed. {which was at 11.} and by 12:30 i was asleep. yaya. i slept pretty good - until 6:00 when my alarm went off. 5 1/2 hours is much better than what i've been getting. so thanks for your prayers, emails vm's and comments. 

a few people have told me to go to the doctor. i have an appointment for my 'annual' in two weeks. if i'm still struggling - i will definitely ask him about it. until then... i am trying to adjust my lifestyle accordingly. there are several things i'm biting the bullet & trying... and i will post on those when the results are in - and when i'm feeling vulnerable enough to share.

until then.... 

this is what our friday looked like:

lil' miss slept soundly until i went to get her at 7. {we've been starting a 'pattern' this week of crying 30 minutes or so after putting her down at night... and then we get her up... attempt to feed her - which she isn't hungry in the slightest - and then cuddling for an hour or so. i put a stop to it last night. while the hubby was gone. it was hard... so i talked to a friend on the phone instead of listening to her cry while watching my watch....}

we had a sweet snuggle time together while i fed her. 

ahhh.....

i set her down while i went to go get brady.

i came back and she'd rolled over.

right. maybe it was an accident?

nope. she has rolled over several times from her tummy to her back today. and once from back to tummy. hummmmm......... maybe i shouldn't have posted that i like her immobile?

it's my mom's birthday. so after c went down, we made cards. for her and for aunt katie - who's birthday is on monday.

brady loved it. {and now has green marker all over his hands. i thought it was washable??? yeah, right.}

then we went to the post office. and cvs for some photos. and we played at the mall. 

just us. and it was really fun. 

 charlotte fell asleep in her carrier. {she rarely does that anymore - unless we're in the car, of course.}

we ate at chick fil a. just me & brady - splitting some nuggets {and french fries}. 

we talked. and sang songs. and played i spy. 

it was fun. and simple. and nice.

then we stopped to watch the ice skaters. b. was fascinated.

then we went home. read books together & laid the kiddos down for naps.

i watered my garden - again. because it's hot. and i'm proving to myself that i don't always kill things.

and i spotted my first strawberries. 

go me!

and then, after 'straightening up' just a tad {it is friday, afterall}, i read a chapter in my new book club book. 

i have to be honest... i wasn't too excited about this one. i was reluctant. 

but i'm actually enjoying it. i think it's quite funny, really. 

we'll see though.

and now i'm waiting on my hubby to get home. on friday afternoon... ready for the weekend.

we're grilling out tonight. and i'm terribly excited.

are you?

{before} away.

so. remember last week when i posted a glimpse of our trip?

and i was going to post the rest on saturday? yeah. right.

it's monday night & i can barely keep my eyes open and i'm not motivated to upload the rest of our trip pictures.... it takes FOR.EVER on my computer right now. {i am in the process of cleaning up and off my hard drive!} **UPDATE: it's wednesday and i'm just now posting this - even though i started it on monday!**

anyway. i do have a post in me tonight... just not the one that i thought i would.

let me go back to before our trip.

can someone please tell me how it is that ONE more person equals FIVE times as much everything? FIVE times the laundry. FIVE times the need for planning. FIVE times the time needed to make it out the door. FIVE times the tiredness. FIVE times the packing time?? seriously.

and it doesn't help that i have this obsessive compulsive need to have everything neat & tidy before i go on a trip because if i don't come back in a worst-case-sceneraio situation i want people to think i was neat & tidy. but... this is what my house looked like the morning of leaving for our trip. i could NOT for the life of me get my thoughts together. so i had piles EVERYWHERE. lovely.

and then. on friday, b & i made cookies. yumm.

jeff and i had been 'dieting' all week in hopes of me losing the rest of the baby weight {just to gain it all back on our trip!} so i was super excited for a tupperware bowl full of cookies in the car. 

we ended up with 60 cookies!!! i used this recipe from bakerella. yummy. 

we dropped some cookies off at a friend's house that was going on their own trip & another friend who was kind of having a rough week. what can cookies NOT help make right?!

on another note - the hubby fixed that nasty glare in my camera the first day of our trip. there was some weird moisture inside my lens. it's gone now and we have beautiful pictures from our trip. {yet to be posted, right?}

oh - and i added a new project to my list. crazy, right?

have you heard of this project?

i had seen it here.

and wanted to try it, but it seemed super overwhelming, despite it's 'easy' tag line.

but then a darling friend encouraged me. 

she'd seen it here. {who, of which, happens to be a friend of a friend & i had been on a few playdates at my gym with this sweet fam.}

i love how different everyone's projects seem to be.

so i'm starting. i'm getting pictures printed as we speak. to try & catch up. 

will try to post a picture of my first finished pages... whenever they get finished?! hey, i have good intentions, right?

this is ridiculous.

snow & rain & ice again? seriously?

i enjoyed it the first few days. welcomed it, even. but today? i'm done.

last week i felt like the LORD snowed me in. just for me. i had recently received a little 'tough love' from my hubby on that sunday night and then i was at home until SATURDAY {with two kids} getting life and my house under control. i didn't feel like i needed to go anywhere. i didn't feel guilty about saying no to anything - because there wasn't anything to say no to. it was awesome.

but now? now, i'm organized except for the dreaded toy closet, my laundry is done, my oven is clean and my duvet cover has recently been washed. there's nothing left to do around here.... so, i'm twiddling my thumbs. missing bible study {will we ever have it again?} and cursing the fact that i spent most of monday detoxing my 2 yr old from the television just to watch it again all day today!!! ugh!

to make matters even sadder, we were supposed to go to a birthday party this afternoon here.

have you ever been here before?

we hadn't until a two weeks ago. can i just say, brady has not stopped talking about it! we had a great time. momma was sore the next day from climbing up the huge slide a few times {it was.not.easy!} but it was so fun. i was super proud of the bug when we looked over and he was doing it all by himself! fraidy cat no more!

owen's party was scheduled for last wednesday. it got cancelled. and now, it's snowing and icing again? i hope {for everyone's sake} that it's not cancelled again!!!

i'm so glad that this snow day i've stocked up on creamer coffee, popcorn, hot chocolate, sweet tea and recorded THREE pixar movies from this weekend! {i just remembered those - and now they're adding a woo-hoo to my day!}

{sidenote about pixar: have ya'll seen toy story 3? my hubby hadn't seen it until last week when we ordered it on ON DEMAND for an insane $5 one night during the ice storm. i told him that it would make him teary. when it was almost over he looked at me and said, "this hasn't been sad at all!" and then andy goes to drop his toys off at the end. he all of a sudden got 'something in his eye'.... hmmm.....}

i so hope we have school tomorrow! we have valentines ready {as i'm sure so many kiddos do!}

happy homemaking today.

follow up.

first of all:

thank you so much to those of you who commented on my long & dreary post or sent me emails, texts, phoned, etc. you are such a blessing. i didn't even know i needed encouragement. but apparently i did. it did WONDERS for the soul. even to hear that my words were encouraging to some of you encouraged me. i had no idea that post could be ANYTHING but depressing. but i guess that's how the LORD works, huh?

secondly: 

i want to clarify {since a few people asked} that this 'wilderness' or whatever you want to call it is NOT at all like the post partum i experienced with brady. i can safely say that this isn't hormones. {or at least 90% of it isn't}. it's just a 'funk'. but not lonely and dark like the post partum was. i can't exactly describe the difference but it is different. {but - if you are experiencing post partum at all and need to talk, i have a bit of experience with it. tiny, but some. just know that it's normal!}

third: 

GOD IS FAITHFUL. after i finally said my feelings out loud, GOD has blessed me in so many ways. for starters, the very next day was sunny & beautiful. i needed fresh air. {didn't we all?} but i really needed it. i pulled up our flower beds. b. played outside.

it. was. wonderful.

then the hubbs surprised me with a weekend getaway toward the end of february. so excited. {not to mention that it knocks something off of my thirty things list. yaya!}

and then i got the nice {but firm} kick in the pants on sunday night that i needed. it was not what i wanted. but it was DEFINITELY what i needed. a little chastening goes a long way. it does not feel good when it's happening but it is definitely worth it in the end. {not that i'm at the end. i'm NOT.}

so. i've started putting one foot in front of the other to get things in order around here. and it's amazing how the LORD has multiplied my time. please know that i recognize that this is NOT my own strength pullling me through this. it's not. it can't be. it's HIS.

i'm praying that i glorify the LORD with my time.

and i already feel better. i'm a work in progess.

but, i guess we all are though, right?

at the urging of friends.....

i am posting this video.

i still shake my head and laugh.

wow.

if you don't have kids....  you won't.

last week, the hubbs was out of town. on the first night, i was feeding c. and brady told me he was going to go read in his room.

sure, i thought. he normally doesn't get into anything... and in my head i wasn't worried about anything he could get into upstairs anyway. {i was in the playroom upstairs and his room is literally RIGHT there!}

anway. a few minutes {5, tops} later, i realized i hadn't heard him so i asked him what he was doing. still, quiet. so i told him to come here.

he did.

his shirt {pajamas, ugh!} was covered in baby powder.

yay!

i slowly got up and when i realized that a big mess had already taken place, i grabbed my phone so i could video it for the hubbs. {play the sympathy card & maybe i'll get flowers, right?} ha.

so... ignore my voice. but this is me finding the mess.

love it.

life as i know it.

****BE FOREWARNED: THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE A DOWN & DIRTY POST, BUT SOME OF YOU HAVE ASKED.....SO I BASICALLY JUST SPILLED MY GUTS! IF YOU MAKE IT TO THE END, YOU'RE MY HERO!****

a few of you may have noticed {and have told me so} that i have been on a bit of a blogging hiatus.

hmmm. yes.

it wasn't intentional. i promise.

it just sort of....well....it just sort of happened.

i used to love blogging. i used to love telling about our messy and crazy and beautiful life.

it may just be that it's gotten more messy and crazy than beautiful & when i do find a moment to myself {ahem... there are few} that i literally fall down with my 5th, 6th or 7th cup of coffee for the day and act like a vegetable in front of the television.

ha. can you relate?

no energy. none. no passion for anything. none.

it turns out that my motto of slowing down & enjoying the holidays each & every moment of them has turned into not speeding back up. at. all.

to be quite honest... it's turned into some awful sort of boredom coupled with an ungodly attitude of apathy.

if you're a woman {99.9% of those reading this} then you know that sometimes we can go through what the hubbs likes to call a "funk". i'm not even talking about that certain visitor that comes once a month for a day or two here or there. i'm talking about the kind that comes  - perhaps once a year, or once every two years, or perhaps even once in your lifetime - when you question what you're doing in this life. where you're going. who you're glorifying. how you're treating those around you. how you're being perceived. how you spend your time. how you organize your home. how you KEEP your home. and on and on and on...... well. i'm there.

so...... i haven't blogged.
 
i really don't want to paint a picture that we have it all together. even by saying i don't have it together i don't want to appear that i want you to feel sorry for me for not having it together.... and on and on.

i haven't been able to put my finger on where my 'funk' is going.

at first i thought that i was just tired. {because of the newborn, right?} but then she started to sleep 8+ hours at night. so i lost that excuse. and then i thought it was that i haven't been able to find a routine. sometimes i cannot even get myself to the grocery store except to buy diapers & milk. {and maybe a candy bar}.  but i'm kind of in a forced routine now anyway so i've decided that's not it.

but then. i forced myself to go to our first bible study on wednesday. i normally LOVE bible study & here i was going back to the group i'd taken a semester off from and i was so excited. but come wednesday morning, i literally had to drag myself there.

and i'm so glad i did.

we went around our table and we were asked to say one thing that we were really excited about this year. a goal or a season, etc. remember - these are all some of my dearest friends. and so they went. 

some are training for a race. some are taking continuing ed class. one sweet girl is going through the process of adoption {while already having 3 of her own!}. when they got to me i simply blurted out: 


"right now, i'm just trying to make it through the day."


wow. it brings tears to my eyes even now as i write it down.


i wanted to scream after i said it "i don't want to live life this way!" and more than that i really don't want to teach my kids to live life this way!!!! seriously! it makes me so mad AT MYSELF when a day comes and goes and there is absolutely nothing to show for it. ugh. ugh. and more ugh.


so.... as i was chewing on that thought, our women's minister came and spoke. 


she's amazing. if you haven't ever heard her, she'll having you rolling on the ground crying from laughing so hard and then the next second she'll "land the plane" and have tears rolling down your face from a heavy heart of conviction from the Holy Spirit Himself. wow. love.her.


anyway..... {as this post gets longer & longer....} to loosely quote her, she said: "as a wife & a mom, we spend the bulk of our time doing things that only GOD will appreciate or even notice."

wow. what.a.blow.

can i get an "amen!"??

so the thought occured to me. who am i living my life for? for earthly praise or for eternal praise? to glorify myself & even my family or to glorify GOD ALMIGHTY?

where am i finding JOY? remember... God never promises happiness, although i don't think He wants us to be UNhappy. maybe just a bit uncomfortable. for a season. maybe even a LONG season. {which this is turning out to be longer than i thought or wanted it to be....}

so. the moral of the story? i. am. here. WITHOU all the answers. we are alive & everyone is healthy. i'm very thankful, although it might not seem like it after all of that wordiness. i've been taking pictures here & there of our journey the past few weeks but not as many as i'd like. PLUS i have to clean off my computer before i can even attempt to load them. so. this is it.

if i may, let me end with this.

yes, i'm not in a season in my mind that i like right now... i have no idea why or how i even got here. i can't just 'snap out of it', nor do i think the LORD wants us to just mask over our seasons like this and move on... because in this season, i need HIM all the more. and i think that's the point, isn't it? if we were comfortable all.the.time then we wouldn't need Him. yearn for Him. cry out to Him.

so, as i continue on and accept this 'wilderness' as it is and try to learn from it instead of fight against, i will cling to His words.

"summing it all up, friends, i'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious --- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.  put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. do that, and GOD, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies." philippians 4:8-9, the message

***i promise a fun post. almost immediately. so please stay tuned. i'm not always debbie downer right now!***

christmas eve. late.

christmas eve. yes, it's january and i'm just now posting these pictures. in fact, when i loaded my camera, it says this roll is from 2011. so i must have not even loaded our christmas pictures until after january 1st. wow. can you say 'behind'?

well - it's just been that kind of day. or week. or month... or whatever. we've had a complicated time getting into a routine after the holidays. we haven't really had the chance or needed to get into a routine with all of the different events surrounding the holidays... so in many ways i feel like we're starting all over.

but i digress... that's not what this post is about.

christmas eve.

was wonderful. it started out a bit chaotic, finishing PW's cinnamon rolls and starting a quiche/savory cheesecake/fritta thing for jeff's christmas morning breakfast and a broken water heater.

oh yeah. that.

do you remember christmas eve? it was POURING DOWN RAIN almost all day.

which is perfect christmas eve weather. when you're staying inside... and not waiting on a plumber to come & fix your water heater.... before you need to go to church.

he never got to our house. and our water heated back up. eventually. and it's working now. but we need to replace it. we thought we might have to take all of our christmas presents back & by a new water heater... but thankfully it all worked out.

ah. i digress, yet again.

we eventually got to church. brady has yet to learn how to whisper on a consistent basis. he wasn't 'bad', just kind of 'loud'. BUT - it's expected. it's christmas eve and there is NO nursery for any kid over the age of 2. so oh well. {charlotte was a little angel though!}

and after church, we went over to mimi & papa's for dinner & gifts. what fun?! we loved getting to spend some time over there, and of course we were spoiled. jeff got some new 'dress boots' & i got a much-needed & unexpected knife block! i was so excited! it was such a thoughtful gift that gets used EVERY SINGLE DAY!! woo-hoo!!!

not me monday.

i got a perfect night sleep last night next to my husband who was not having the chills and i did not end up getting up every hour or so with my son who was not whining for seemingly no reason.

all three of us did not wake up this morning feverish and with runny noses and coughs. no, we certainly did not.

i did not have to drag my less than 100% self and my sicky little boy to my 35 week check up at 9 a.m. and i most certainly did not bribe my son with a milkshake if he was happy at the doctor - and it did not work. we did not have a screaming meltdown when we had to leave the doctor because b. wanted to 'hear the baby' some more... and i did not have to carry my 30+lb son out of the hospital and to the car while 8 months pregnant. nope. that would not happen to us.

after not getting the milkshake from sonic that i did not promise brady, he did not poke a whole in the cup and the milkshake did not get all over him, his car seat and my freshly washed car. i would sigh, but remember, this did not happen to us.

when we finally got home, i definitely did not turn the t.v. for the remainder of the morning until nap time - and i did not let brady dictate what show we watched and when. i did not put him down 15 minutes early and i really did not sleep for the whole 3 hour nap time. i really didn't. i promise.

i did not try to remedy the unproductive morning by attempting to the grocery store at 5 p.m. and while getting ready to leave, i did not use the remote start on my car which did not proceed to lock my sweet son in the car already buckled into his carseat. my phone, bag, keys, etc. were of course, not in the car locked in there with him. of course they weren't. i did not have to go knock on neighbors door, telling them what happened so that i could call the fire department. nope. not this mama. {did i mention that this has not happened to brady before?}

four firemen did not come, and they did not have their sirens & lights on, and they definitely did not park in front of my house for my whole neighborhood to see! it did not take them 30+minutes to open the car and i'm sure my dear husband was not flying down the tollway trying to get home to give us his keys.

after all of this did not happen, brady did not get invited to come inside the firetruck and honk their horns and turn the sirens on. he definitely wanted to - he wasn't scared at all. why would he be? he does not yell "firetruck" at the top of his lungs anytime he hears a siren of any kind.

the hubbs did not get home 10 minutes after the firemen left and i was not a hysteric mess that he had to calm down. i held it together extremely well. i did not try to go to the grocery store after the hubbs got home, and it was not packed beyond what i had ever seen. i did not drop a dozen eggs on the floor and it did not take 30 minutes to check out. i did not forget to get benedryl for all of the people in my family who are not sick - so i did not have to make another trip out to cvs. they were not out of benedryl. {and remember, i'm not pregnant - so i do NOT have to worry about what kind of medicine i take!} i did not wait in line to ask the pharmacist if it was okay to take the generic brand while pregnant. i did not grab a tabloid magazine at check out to keep me occupied while i'm sleeping so soundly tonight. the elderly gentlement checking out next to me most certainly did not comment on 'reading my baby that kind of trash' and i did not get politely annoyed.

to top it all off, i had not just cleaned up the kitchen & put the groceries away when my husband's carbonated beverage exploded everywhere. it is not still sticky in there because we most certianly got the mop out right away. i am not planning on taking a hot bath & taking 2 benedryl and going to bed at 9 pm. nope. not this mama. i don't know about your house, but it is definitely a picture perfect life over here... and i do not love it anyway.

wednesday.

last wednesday, i was determined to document our entire day. i've tried this a few times before but either get lazy or i forget... but wednesday i stuck it out strong.

{i've been in mega-documentation mode lately. i want to savor everything so i can remember what it was like having only one child... and so i can remember it accurately - meltdowns and all!!}

here goes:

'good morning, brady!'


he's into this thing lately where he likes me to put him back to sleep... cover him up with a blanket, sing and rub his back. then when i stop he pops right back up and is ready to get on with the day!



i got a late start - but i still wanted to make monkey bread for breakfast so we'd have something to eat off of the next few days.





we had to have a 'snack' breakfast while we waited.



yumm.


coloring after we eat... watching 'chuggington'.


time for independent play - b's grown to love this {as do i}, especially now that i put a timer in there.




just enough time for me to pack our lunches, get dressed and get the car ready for pool time with friends!



meltdown number 1: not pictured. did not like sharing his toys at the pool. i attribute this to not eating lunch because he was too distracted by the pool.

meltdown number 2: not pictured. in the car on the way home from the pool he threw a pretzel at me. i promptly pulled over and took his snack bag away. begin meltdown.

nap time for brady, laundry for me.


more laundry.


unload dishwasher.



blog stalk, starbucks treat.


wake up, snack time.



popsicle - yum.


decides he wants mommy's snack instead.


sprayground.


storm rolls in.


bath time.


*original plan was to grill hot dogs, but storm deters plan and daddy's arrival home. improvise with chicken nuggets*


daddy's home!!!


marshmallows.


daddy grills for mommy while b. gets dirty yet again playing outside.


time for bed. not happy. meltdown number 3.


more laundry for mommy.


whew!